


The Wages of Sin

by didyougetmysteriousmessages



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mutilation, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 12:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9548816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/didyougetmysteriousmessages/pseuds/didyougetmysteriousmessages
Summary: They say old sins cast long shadows.My shadow must go on for miles.**spoiler warning if you haven't finished the secret endings!**





	1. Hearth

 

People are wrong. 

People are so wrong. 

I didn’t like the people that came in and out of the adoption center, eyeing the children like pieces of candy on a shelf. Who was sweetest? Who was cutest? Who would be the bestest little girl?

It was never me. I was too sharp around the edges. Too quiet, too blunt. Too much.

That is, until she walked into my life. 

Her dark purple dress shimmering in the light as her black boots tapped softly on the tiled floor.

“Hello, love,” she greets me as she enters.

I pause, my hands still gripping the little doll I am playing with. My legs are sprawled open and my toys are strewn about.

“…Hello,” I respond shyly, avoiding eye contact.

“You must be-” I interrupt her quickly, stating, “That’s not my name anymore. My name is Rika.”

* * *

 

She raises an eyebrow at me and exchanges looks with the social worker, who shrugs awkwardly. “That’s new,” the social worker explains shortly. “Are you sure you don’t want to meet the one of the other children?”

I stare down at the doll in my hands, pursing my lips.

I knew how this would end.

The stranger smiles at me. “No. I don’t.”

Oh.

She walks over and kneels next to me, peering at my face. I shy away from her, fiddling with the doll’s blue yarn hair. “What does Rika mean?” she asks after a short pause. I look up at her, my green eyes flashing.

“Strong,” I respond quietly, meeting her gaze. Her face seems soft and kind. I decide that I like her.

“It’s a fitting name,” the stranger compliments warmly. “You are very strong. After what you’ve been through…”

I look away again, face paling. I pretend to play with my doll, but my thoughts wander.

_You’ll see, in the end._

I suppress a shudder.

Of course, she probably knows what happened to me. So she won’t want me.

The stranger clears her throat awkwardly before reaching over and grabbing a small stuffed bear. “I used to play with these as a kid,” she tells me. “Bears are my favorite.”

_Why are you still talking to me?_

“I like rabbits more,” I respond quietly. She smiles sweetly at me, amusement dancing in her eyes. “Oh? Why so?”

“Their tails are fluffier,” I explain, patting her bear with my doll’s hand. “And they can run faster.”

“Can you run fast?” she asks, watching me carefully. After thinking carefully, I respond, “I want to.”  That makes her smile again, and she chuckles.

_I wish I could just keep running._

Turning to the social worker, she teases, “I thought you said she wasn’t very talkative?” Frowning and throwing a glare at the social worker, I retort, “Well Mrs. Jo doesn’t talk to me a lot. How would she know?”

Mrs. Jo scowls at me, but the stranger laughs louder this time. “You always say what’s on your mind. I like that.” I blush slightly, frowning again, but inside I felt pleased at the praise. “What else should I say?” I ask myself dubiously.

The stranger stands, rummaging through her purse as she walks back towards Mrs. Jo. “I have everything in full,” she says, handing an envelope to her. “How quickly can we settle things?” Mrs. Jo grunts, surprised, and fiddles through the envelope. The stranger snaps her purse closed again. “As quickly as you’d like,” Mrs. Jo decides.

The stranger’s eyes flash. “How about right now?” Mrs. Jo nods. “Now is fine.”

The stranger turns to me, a huge smile blooming across her face as she walks back over to me. She stops in front of me, looking down at me with love in her eyes. “Would you like to go home with me?” she asks me.

_You’re making a mistake._

“Do you want me to?” I ask, startled at her hastiness. “Yes,” she nods, giggling at me. “Why?” I ask, still holding my doll.

_I’m not good for anybody._

She gazes at me for a few moments, a gentle look in her eyes that makes me hopeful for once in a very, very long time.

“I like you,” she states simply, with a shrug. “I have a good feeling.”

_She likes me._

This feeling is new. 

Slowly, I stand up, holding the doll with one hand. “I like you too,” I say with a smile.

She holds out her hand. I stare at it for a moment before realizing what she means, and then, shyly, I reach my small hand out and place it in hers. Her slender hands are warm as her long fingers curl around mine. I close my eyes. 

She feels just like mommy did. 

She tugs on my hand and leads me towards the door, walking briskly past Mrs. Jo.

“Of course, there’s just some paperwork we need to take care of,” Mrs. Jo chirps, her heels clicking after us, and the stranger responds with annoyance, “Yes, yes, we can do that outside the playroom.”

Our footsteps echo against the hardwood floor.

_Is this really happening?_

_Who is this woman?_

I tug at the stranger’s hand and she glances down at me. “I forgot to ask your name,” I tell her, staring at her inquisitively. Chuckling, she says, “My name is Kim Sang Mi.”

 _So my name will be…Kim Rika._  

I play the name over and over again in my head, smiling hopefully. It sounds like a nice name.

* * *

 

There were many train rides and many car rides before we finally made it home.

But home was…different. Transitioning wasn’t easy. Life here was so simple.

Too simple.

I met her husband, Kim Hyeok. He was a boisterous man, passionate yet loving. I didn’t know what to do with him. I wasn’t used to fathers in general. But mothers…it was surreal. It was like I had found mine again.

Everything was perfect. But that was impossible.

Where I came from…what happened to me…I didn’t think there was happiness anywhere else in the world quite like this. It couldn’t be real. Could it?

There were no other children here. I was their only child. I found out later that they couldn’t have children, but at the time, it felt like all they ever wanted was me. And it was as exciting as it was terrifying.

I didn’t know how to cope. They continued taking me to therapy, but it wasn’t as easy to solve as simply talking it out. There was so much. So much. I was too small to hold it all in.

I had to try.

Sang Mi was frustrated with me, but she wouldn’t say so. I knew she was, though. It ate away at me.

So I started trying harder to accept the changes. I wanted her to keep liking me. I didn’t want her to do what Mommy did. Because of me.

It felt like the days were melting together. I think I was getting better. Sang Mi was relieved. I felt something stirring in me, but I stuffed it far, far away.

I ignored the clinking sounds in the bathroom.

I ignored the glinting of metal.

I ignored the sound of dripping tap water.

I stuffed it far, far away.

* * *

 

One day, Sang Mi takes my hand and ushers me into the car, declaring that she has a surprise for me.

I feel nervous, but I trust that whatever it is will be fun. We drive for a bit, and I watch the pretty clouds in the sky as the world passes us by. Finally, we pull up to a quaint little house with yellow and green paint. Pretty potted flowers wave in the breeze. _It looks like they’re waving hello,_ I think. I smile.

“I want to introduce you to my family,” she says proudly, bringing me out of my thoughts. “You’re doing so well, and they’re so eager to meet you.”

Anxiety balls up in my chest, but I nod, smiling nervously. She gets out of the driver’s seat, walking around and opening my car door. Extending a hand out, she helps me down, and my feet tap down onto the pavement.

I look up and see three people waiting for us in the open doorway of the house. Two grown-ups, and a kid, just like me. He looks smaller than I am though.

The boy has dark brown hair in the shape of a bowl cut. I giggle quietly at myself. He looks kind of nerdy.

Holding my hand, Sang Mi leads me gently up to the couple, smiling her beaming smile. I smile shyly up at them. Their eyes are curious yet gentle. They greet her lovingly, eyes glancing at me from their corners.

_They have to like me._

The young boy approaches me shyly. He has beautiful purple eyes, I notice, and I find myself smiling at him softly. He had an oddly calming air to him, innocent and sweet.

“Hi!” He squeaks, fidgeting nervously. “Hi,” I respond, blinking. He blushes, and I can tell he’s struggling to speak.

“My name is Rika,” I offer. “I-I know. I mean, um, I…” he blushes deeply again, looking away. Finally, he musters, “I’m Yoosung!”

He sticks his hand out awkwardly. I glance down at his hand and then back up at his blushing face. I can’t help but laugh at his cuteness, which makes him frown. Were those tears springing in his eyes…?

Ignoring his hand, I throw my arms open and hug him tightly. Damage control.

He stiffens in surprise, but then gradually returns the hug, squeezing my arms awkwardly with his hands, breaking into a smile.

“It’s nice to meet you, Yoosung!”


	2. Helios

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunshine on a cloudy day.

Can you recall what it’s like to walk into sunshine?

You don’t know real warmth until you’re basking in that golden light. 

It’s something so simple, but it can be so overwhelming. I feel like everything washes away in the sun. For a moment - just a fleeting moment - I’m free. 

That exact feeling is what it was like to walk into V’s gallery. 

There was something about his angle choice, the way the light played over his pieces, and the vibrancy of colors...his photographs practically glowed. I wasn’t expecting it. It caught me completely off guard and reached deep inside of me without warning. 

I found myself particularly drawn to a photograph of a flower basking in the sun at dawn, the pink colors playing across the clouds as the sun rose in the sky. The flower looked like it was blooming, opening its face to the sun. It was absolutely breathtaking. 

When I left that day, I actually _missed_ the artwork. The photographs were like windows to another world. They took me away from everything, everything. I could swear I dreamed of that pink sky, the sun rising off in the distance, the field below spotted with those lovely flowers. I was a bird, flying free in the air, feeling the wind caress me. It was the most peaceful dream I’ve ever had.

So, of course, I had to return to that place, return to the gorgeous photo of the flower.

* * *

 

I stand in front of it once more, feeling it pull me into another world again.

“Beautiful,” I murmur to myself, eyes scanning the photo with admiration. I feel like I am standing in a meadow, the grass brushing my skin. All at once, I am up in the clouds, basking in sunlight...time itself seems to melt at my feet.

_I feel like I’m actually floating away right now..._

I am so mesmerized by the art that I don’t quite notice the quiet man standing next to it, watching me. He says something to me, and that strange trance I’m in breaks. I stare at him, dazed. “What?”

“Do you like it?” he repeats, beautiful blue eyes patiently waiting for my response.

“Oh,” I breathe, lost in the depths of those eyes. “I...yes. I love it.” 

I feel drawn to him, just like I was drawn to his photographs. Something in his eyes tells me he feels it too. Don’t they? He smiles, and I feel my heart jump. “Excuse me, but...who are you?” I ask, utterly mesmerized.

“I’m the one who took this photo,” he replies, gesturing towards the sunset photograph. 

“Oh...th-then you must be V, the photographer!” I stutter. _Duh. He said he took the photo._

He smiles gently at me, but I feel myself panicking internally. Outwardly, though, I give a sweet smile in return, masking my emotions well.

_He probably thinks I’m ditzy. I’m such an idiot._

“You’ve been standing here for almost an hour, so I came to say hello,” he explains, tilting his head at me. “Didn’t you come here yesterday, too?”

_He noticed?_

I blush. I hadn’t even noticed him in the gallery yesterday. I was too busy losing myself in his world.

“Y-yes...the photo was so beautiful, I just _had_ to come for another look.” I smile nervously, biting my lip. “I’m a huge fan of your work.”

His smile was genuinely happy. “Thank you. Please, continue enjoying it.”

He moves to walk away, but I call out, “Wait! I had something to ask you!”

He pauses, turning back to me with an inquisitive look. 

“The sun is the mother of all things,” I say hastily, rubbing my arm. “Without her energy and love, the flower wouldn’t have come to life. And...I feel that love and warmth consistently throughout your photos. When I stare at them, I feel all my troubles vanish...! It feels like another world...”

He stares at me. _You’re being weird. Stop it,_ I think, but still, I continue. 

“Do you believe that world could ever come?” I ask hopefully. “A world where there is no fear or suffering, a world filled with love and warmth, the world in your photographs? Do you think that we can become like the sun some day? Is that what you’re thinking when you take these photos?”

That had to be it. I felt him calling to me through the photographs. Certainly he must have known the affect he would have!

“...No,” he finally admits, chuckling. My heart drops. _Oh my god...I just tried to tell him what his own photos meant! I’m useless..._

“I’m not that thoughtful,” he muses, smiling in admiration. “I don’t really think much when I take the photos. I just sense something special about the shot. It’s a feeling that comes through me, and then I know.”

“Like the breeze on an Aeolian harp,” I comment, intrigued. He laughs a sweet, hearty laugh, and I can’t help but smile. “Sure,” he chuckles, shifting on his feet. _He doesn’t know what that is. That’s okay. He’s still perfect..._

“But,” he adds, “When I take them, I do hope...that people can feel love when looking at them. People like you.”

My eyes widen with wonder. “You are phenomenal, V, just by the fact that you can take photos that have that affect on people.”

He smiles warmly. “Thank you. You really speak your mind, don’t you?”

“What else should I speak?” I ask, grinning cheekily. That earned another chuckle. 

“Well, thank you, for all the kind words,” he says. “Do you want the photograph?”

“Ah, well, I already know I don’t have enough money to purchase it,” I say quickly, glancing back at the flower. “It’s priceless. You could charge whatever you wanted for it. I’m sure it would sell.”

He shakes his head and clarifies, “I want to give it to you as a gift.” 

“What?” I stare at him, shocked, bringing my hand up to my mouth. _No way. There’s no way I can repay this. Could I really own this photo?_

_“_ Tell the receptionist your address, name, and phone number,” he instructs.

“No, I...I can’t accept such an expensive piece!” I insist, holding up my hands. “It’s worth more than anything I could give you.”

He shakes his head again, stating, “Don’t refuse. If you feel love when you look at the photo, then you must be the true owner.”

“I can’t. I don’t like receiving things for free.” _I don’t deserve things for free. I’m the last person who deserves this photo._

A spark lights in his eyes. “Well, how about this? I’ll give you this photograph on the condition that you buy me coffee after the exhibition.”

“W-what?!” I squeak, blushing again. _Is that a date? That sounds like a date! I don’t understand..._

“Your thoughts left a good impression on me. I’d like to pick your brain more about how my art makes you feel, what your philosophy on life is.” He sounds serious, but I can’t believe it. “Can I ask what your name is?” he adds.

“It’s...Rika,” I stutter, feeling dazed again. “Is that your real name?” he asks. Startled, I shake my head. “No...” “Well, I’ll tell you my real name first. It’s Jihyun Kim, but I go by V to most people.”

“Ah. It’s...nice to meet you, Jihyun,” I assent, shaking his hand. “You really don’t have to do this, though I appreciate the sentiment.”

“I want to do it,” he replied, eyes locked onto mine. My heart flutters in my chest. There was no amount of protest that could change his mind after that.

* * *

 

“Won’t you ever tell me what happened?” Jihyun asks softly. His arms are wrapped around mine as we embrace. 

“I don’t know,” I admit, face buried in his chest. He smells sweet, clean.  

“You don’t have to. But I want to understand you. To understand your pain. I want to help you.”

“No,” I say grimly. “You don’t.”

_You’ll see._

“I do,” he insists, gently caressing my back. 

_In the end._

“You don’t want to know. I wish I didn’t know.” I’m stiff now, trying to hold down the thoughts rising in my head.

He kisses me gently on the forehead and I feel myself melt into his arms. The voices fade away. It was hard to deny him like this.

“I would take all that pain onto myself if I could,” he murmurs, lips brushing my hair. I pull back and look up at him, pain twisting my face. My small hands reach up to caress his soft cheeks. 

“I’m afraid it will ruin you,” I whisper, eyes tearing up. I stroke my thumb across his cheekbone, examining the sharp features I’ve come to love so deeply. “You are so, so good. You believe still in the good in this world. You don’t know how bad it can get. I don’t ever want you to.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling hot tears trail down my cheeks. “I’m going to ruin you. I know it. I’m so terrified.”

I feel his warm hands reach up to cup my face. Slowly, I open my eyes and meet his gaze, his face inches from mine. “You complete me,” he murmurs. “You will not ruin me. Without you, I will never be the same.” 

_He will regret it._

“I’m sorry,” I whimper, sniffling. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, love,” he sighs, pressing his forehead against mine. “Don’t be sorry. Be glad. You make me happy.”

“Do I?” I gasp, feeling my body shudder with sadness. That fucking overwhelming pit of sadness. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” he whispers sweetly. He leans in and kisses me. His lips are soft and gentle, and I feel fire course through my veins. It feels like it burns away that bitter sadness, even if for a moment. 

He is the sun in the sky, the warm sunlight on my dark, shady days. 

“Don’t leave me,” I beg, hugging him. “Please don’t ever leave me.”

“I promise I will never,” he responds, closing his eyes as we embrace again. 

“...I’ll tell you one day,” I decide out loud, breathing in his scent. “But for now...let’s go to bed. I’m tired.”

“Of course,” he agrees, smiling sweetly. 

Wrapped up in sheets, his arms around me protectively as we spoon in bed, I stare out of the window into the city street below. 

_It will consume both me and him._

“Shut up,” I whisper to myself, stuffing my face into my pillow. 

How long could I keep this up?

I couldn’t let anything hurt him. I had to protect him.

From myself.


	3. Aeternum Vale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbye forever.
> 
> ****TRIGGER WARNINGS!!! the story has been tagged and this is the triggering chapter! Please don't read if you have triggers! ****

 

I can’t stop it. It bubbles up at the worst of times. 

Sometimes I remember in snippets. 

Sometimes I remember in full details. 

Whenever it happens, always, always...

“It consumes you.”

“What?” I whisper hoarsely, eyes red from the tears that have fled my eyes in a desperate torrent. My hands are balled into fists, nails digging deep into my skin. I can’t stop myself from trembling as I face her.

“Life will consume you.”

My breathing comes in ragged forms, hitching and wheezing as I panic. “Don’t,” I plead, eyes latched onto her.

She shakes her head slowly, greasy golden locks gently shifting down her shoulder from the movement. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Metal glints in the light. She tilts her head, silently observing the object she’s holding in the harsh fluorescent light. The sole light in the bathroom casts harsh shadows onto the white tiled floor.

“Mommy, please,” I sob, cradling myself, hands clenching my shoulders desperately as if I were grabbing onto an anchor. “Please, don’t.”

“You’ve always known, haven’t you?” She isn’t looking at me. Her voice is dead flat, void of emotion. “You always knew.”

I take a step forward hesitantly, still holding onto myself, still shuddering with gasps, still panicking, desperation racking through my small frame. Her head whips up, finally making eye contact with me. Her brown eyes are bloodshot, tinged red in the dim lighting. I freeze, eyes wide with fear.

A few agonizing moments of silence pass. Her gaze is unwavering.

I can’t tear my eyes away from her eyes. They seem so big, so empty...they almost pull me forward with their own force.

I feel like I’m choking.

The longer we stare at each other, the worse I feel. The hair on my neck is standing straight up. Her knuckles are white as her grip tightens. My ears are ringing. That terrible look in her eyes...I can’t stand it anymore. I’ll go mad if I keep looking.

“STOP IT!” I scream suddenly, shoving my face into my hands and sobbing again. “JUST STOP IT! PLEASE! MOMMY!!”

She doesn’t even flinch. She continues staring, unperturbed, as still as a statue. “P-please,” I whimper, peeking at her through my fingers. “Please get out of the tub.”

She smiles slowly, a dry, empty laugh spilling out from her lips. My heart is pounding in my chest, threatening to rip out of me entirely as fresh, hot tears roll down my cheeks. My veins feel like they’re on fire from the force of pumping blood. Please let this end. I can’t take this. It’ll be over soon. It’ll be over-

“You knew there was something wrong with me,” she finally mutters, swaying slightly where she stands. Her arm brushes the shower curtains which clink against the cold metal rod they hang from. I slowly lower my hands, my eyes rising over my fingers as my lips tremble. I can feel my breath steaming through my fingers, hot air warming my skin.

“And you know there’s something wrong with you too, right?” She smiles at me again, and I shudder, shaking my head.

“It’s j-just bad right now,” I stutter. “It’ll get better. It won’t feel so bad. Please…”

“It never goes away,” she hisses, leaning her head back and staring at the ceiling. “It only gets quieter. But it never goes away.”

After a few moment’s pause, she returns her gaze to me. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”  
  
“No,” I whisper, shaking my head, covering my mouth with my hands. “No.”

“You’ll see,” she says sweetly, raising the knife to her wrist. I cry out, but she doesn’t stop. “In the end, you’ll see.”

I’m sorry.

I can’t remember anymore.

I don’t want to.

I’m so sorry.

I can tell you that I watched. I may have screamed, but I watched.

I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I was frozen, my limbs stiff and unresponsive.

When she was crumpled up in that tub, folded up like a discarded piece of clothing, I turned numbly and walked back into her bedroom. I climbed up into the bed, laid down on her pillow, smelled her scent on the sheets.

I curled into a fetal position, my back to the bathroom doorway, bright yellow light spilling over my back. It felt like the room was buzzing. I could hear the faucet dripping in the tub.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I stayed there for half a day, still frozen in the same place come morning.

It felt like the blink of an eye.

It felt like an eternity.

And I couldn’t stop thinking about the knife.

 

* * *

 

 

I jolt up in bed, gasping out in fear. Jihyun is already awake, holding me with concern flashing in his bright blue eyes. 

“You had another nightmare, darling,” he murmurs, concern furrowing his brow. I pant, sweat dripping down my forehead and back. My breaths are desperate and ragged. 

The question is in his eyes. I can hear it louder than any words he could have spoken. 

_But I can’t let it consume him._

“I’m ok,” I lie, taking deep breaths. “I’ll be ok. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” he says, hugging me. “Shh, shh.”

I break into sobs, clutching him tightly. 

_You don’t know what I know. How can you say it’s alright?_

Finally, I relax, breathing steadily in his arms. His hand ruffles my hair, playing with the curls, and his heartbeat soothes me. 

_Something’s wrong with you._

I sigh, trying to let his caresses melt away the darkness inside of me. 

_Something’s wrong with me._

I pretend to sleep so that he’ll relax. He drifts off into a peaceful slumber, arms still wrapped around me. I stare blankly into his chest.

_If I don’t fix this soon..._

I close my eyes, willing myself into unconsciousness. 

_He’s going to get hurt._

**Author's Note:**

> To clarify, this is a take on Rika's past as well as her thoughts and mentality throughout the course of the game. It follows canon events and will go past a certain characters death.


End file.
